


The Key to Being Alive

by cadkitten



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-08
Updated: 2013-12-08
Packaged: 2018-01-04 02:37:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1075541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For an instant, pain reflected deep in his eyes: naked and alive for the other to see.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Key to Being Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Spoilers for Thor 2. Just sort of needed to focus on a moment and then lead through the film with it. Seriously, this ruins A LOT of the movie. If you haven't seen it, don't read this.  
> Song[s]: "Hon no Kuni no Chuushousha" by Werkmare

_I wish I could trust you, brother._

The words struck him and stunned him like no other. For an instant, pain reflected deep in his eyes: naked and alive for the other to see. He allowed it to remain long enough for him to find it and identify with it. But then... he concealed it, shoved it down deep and looked away. Nothing should have been that painful, but somewhere, somehow... it always was.

After everything... after Thor coming to him for help, reeking of desperation and a desire to get back at the people who had killed their mother... even after all of that, he still found himself feeling like the other was trying to push him away in a lot of ways. Not that he could blame him... if he thought about it from his point of view, then he'd betrayed him by trying to do what he had. But that was just because Thor didn't see it from his side. He never did... never had... and likely never would.

Loki guided the craft along, something feeling more dead inside him than it had before and he identified it as his heart. Each word that the other spoke against him in such a way, each time that he was forbidden to see his family or have any meaningful interactions with anyone at all, he found himself feeling less and less in the end. Sure... the words cut him deeply, but not nearly as deeply as the time before or even the time before that. He was learning to discard love. It was different than hate; something a far cry from the polar opposite of love. 

Even as they plotted out what they were about to do... even as they came to the conclusion that they were going to deceive and attempt to work together, Loki carefully separated another piece of himself from the whole ordeal. He drew on a deep-seated mistrust and pulled it up from within him to fulfill his role, his own plots, his own betrayal, already twisting in the back of his head. This ruse wasn't it, it wasn't the where or the when of what he was going to do. No... not at all.

The scene unfolded and he felt nothing from it, the warrior inside unfolding as the entire plot came down on them. And then it failed... and he found his opening. Reaching through his mind, he grasped the strings and pulled them together, weaving his intricate web of deceit and desperation. Somewhere, he'd find his opening, and he'd be quick and efficient. No more cage for him... no more being locked away in isolation away from the only things that made him feel alive. That had been his father's mistake, in truth. Locking him away had only served to force him to feel more of those same emotions that had led him to betrayal in the first place. Within those walls he'd never felt more alone, more bitter... or more anguished in his entire existence.

He fought with a vengeance, one blade serving him better than the variety of the enemy. By the time the fifth was felled, he turned and caught sight of his opening. Yes... this was how he would do this. He turned his small blade into the illusion of a larger one as he raced to Thor's aid. This held everything he needed within its grasp. The hero... he'd die the hero, having saved and redeemed himself with his brother. He'd be everything he needed to be and everything Thor needed him to be to let go. He thrust the blade through the beast's back and then stepped back, his eyes taking in the situation. Thor was rather wounded, but not bad enough to not be able to make it out on his own. He'd saved the girl earlier, thus giving him the ability to look even more heroic... though he'd foolishly almost made the mistake of losing his own in that moment.

But Thor had saved him. This was... well, he owed him one, he supposed. Stepping around, he positioned himself for the obvious, letting the beast calculate out what it was going to do, knowing the obvious conclusion with nearly twelve inches of blade sticking out from its chest. And he couldn't have been more right. The beast grabbed him and shoved him against his chest, impaling him on the blade. He allowed his body to react the way it should have, though he simply allowed the illusion to pass through his real body undamaged. Outwardly, he was dying... the blade impaling him as he reached and grasped the grenade on its side and activated it.

A few more moments and he pushed himself back off the blade, staggering back enough he wouldn’t be in the way of the blast, fired off a few words to make the illusion complete and ensure that Thor didn't try to get up to help him or deal with the beast just yet. He allowed himself to fall and the beast imploded, sucked away into the effects of the grenade. Within moments, Thor was over him, agony written across his face... and somewhere... Loki found the last piece of his heart being tugged as he stared up at him, furthering the illusion of his death with each moment. And those painful words from earlier came back to him. _I wish I could trust you, brother._ But they meant something different this time. Wish... Thor wanted to trust him so badly it hurt him to not be able to. He wanted to be able to see him in that light again. But it was too late... the plan already in effect... and his desire for what he wanted, for retribution against those who had wronged him so very deep-seated. It just wasn't enough.

Falling back, he let Thor believe he was dead, his last breath escaping him and his eyes going dead. Once he was certain Thor was gone... he waited. Someone would come for them, find his body... and he'd enact the rest of his plan.

Eventually, they did. One man down and Loki took his place, swiftly making his way back to his home, where he delivered the news. Odin didn't see it either, his deception complete in that manner. It took him nearly a day to find the opportunity, the risk of being discovered growing more and more by the moment. And when he found it, he took it, taking Odin's place and thrusting the man who had once claimed to be his father aside. Taking on his form, he took the throne as his own, no one to see through his illusions, no one to stop him.

By the time Thor came back, he took his role in much the way he was supposed to, trust in his ability to know what Thor wanted weaving through his every maneuver. He stared at his brother through the eyes of his father, offering him the words the other man would have offered to the favored son. And by the time Thor relinquished his desire for the throne, expressed that he'd fight for them but he didn’t want the seat, he found himself grasping for that last piece of his heart. Latching onto it, he offered the only parting words he could have seen Odin offer to a beloved son, words built with love and gratitude. Even as they left his lips, he found they didn't ring nearly as false as he'd thought they might, some amount of his own emotion shining through within them.

Watching Thor turn and leave, some part of him felt like it was breaking, knowing what he was losing by the other thinking he was dead and never to return. Even as he allowed himself to transform back to himself for a moment, he found that ache and wrapped his fingers around it, clinging tight to the emotions he found within it. No matter how cold he was, no matter how cruel his actions... it was this that kept him grounded. This last piece of who he had once been, before the betrayal, before the anguish and grief of loss and of being shunned. And it was this that would help him rule in Odin's place, the world none the wiser to his actions.

**The End**


End file.
